Spawn's Hell - Jokes - Answering Machine Messages

Answering Machine Messages

Do you have an answering machine or voicemail box? Use these messages to bring a smile to the people who call you when you can't answer.

  1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

  2. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.

  3. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling.... and I'll think about returning your call.

  4. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

  5. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.

  6. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.

  7. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner.

  8. Hi. Now YOU say something.

  9. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

  10. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.

  11. No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!

  12. Hi. This is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to suggestions.

  13. I'm sorry but my answering machine is out of order. I am leaving a broken CD player in its place. It can't take messages either. In fact, it can't even play you a nice tune while you wait to not leave a message.

  14. Computer generated voices:
    1: Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now.
    2: Yeah, nobody but us machines!
    1: Right, just us machines, but don't hang up! If you like, you can leave your name and telephone number...
    2: ...and a message! You forgot about the message!
    1: Right. Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people get back.
    2: ...unless of course, sombody pulls out our plug!

  15. Rod Serling imitation: You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached, "The Twilight Phone".

  16. Due to the large number of complaints regarding the length of our previous answering machine message, we made a few changes. Very fast: Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP

  17. The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password.

  18. English accent: Hello, you've reached the phone of Monty Python. I can't come to the phone right now because the witch has turned me into a newt! I'll call you back when I get better.

  19. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

  20. Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY. Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY! They say the King died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out there somewhere. So... Leave your name and number and tell us where YOU saw Elvis!

  21. Hello, this is WJJO, you're on the air.

  22. To the tune of: "If I Only Had A Brain"
    I might be in the shower,
    I might be gone for hours,
    I can't come to the phone.
    So, please leave your name and number,
    If I miss you it'd be a bummer,
    Leave your message at the tone...

  23. Whole family crowds around, including screaming babies and noisy pets; to the tune of "Frere Jacques":
    We're not here now,
    We're not here now,
    Don't hang up,
    Don't hang up,
    Leave your name and number,
    Leave your name and number,
    We'll call back,
    We'll call back.

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