Here is a code every man should live by. If you don't one may think you are a little fruity.
Thou shall not rent the movie “Chocolat” or “Bridges of Madison County”.
Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and
eaten by his fellow partygoers.
When you are queried by a buddy’s wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest,
shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not
provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are
permitted to deny his very existence.
Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend
out of jail within 12 hours.
You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without
recrimination; The exception being when trying to pick a girl---the allowable
exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent.
If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever.
The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who’s running
late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every
point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.
Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden.
You may however gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact,
even remembering a friend’s birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.
Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to
hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good
deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak
of it----even at your bachelor party.
Before dating a buddy’s “ex”, you are required to ask his permission and he
in return is required to grant it.
Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until
they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo
wing clean.
If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem. You didn’t see nothin’!
The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend’s cat.
When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may
always ask the score of the game in progress, buy you may never
ask who’s playing.
When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up
with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you’ll be able to
warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining
the priesthood.
It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you’re
sunning on a tropical beach---and it’s delivered by a topless
supermodel---and it’s free.
Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.
If a buddy is out-numbered, out-manned, or too drunk to fight, you
must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his
actions have caused you to think, “What this guy needs is a good
ass-whoopin”, then you may sit back and enjoy.
Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight-lifting:
“Yeah, baby, push it!”
“C’mon, give me one more! Harder!”
“Another set and we can hit the showers”
“Nice ass! Are you a Sagittarius?”
Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza---
but not both. That’s just plain mean.
If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to
his beer.
Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy---except when she’s
withholding sex pending your response.
Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you’re on equal footing:
Either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations,
A nod is all the conversation you need.
If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, YOU MAY NOT---
Unless you are Gay.