Heres the story jokes hope you laugh your ass off.
A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants. She says, "Now, in the living room, I'd like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells, "Green side up!" The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into the next room. She says, "In the dining room I'd like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up"! The woman is even more perplexed but still lets it slide. They wander further into the next room. She says, "In the bedroom, I'd like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once more he goes to the window, leans out and yells "Green side up"! This is too much. The woman has to ask. So she says, "Every time I tell you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window 'Green side up.' What on earth does that mean?" The contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four blondes laying sod across the street."
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror,she grabs for the horse's main, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when................. the Wal-Mart manager runs out and shuts the horse off.
The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy father -- a government employee who attempts to solve the couple's problem by impregnating the wife. The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and had decided to use the services of a proxy father to start their family. Mrs. Smith, naturally, was apprehensive, but she desperately wished for children and agreed with her husband on this issue. A proxy father was due to arrive that day. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith said, "I'm off. The government man should be here soon." Moments later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Madam. You don't know me, but I've come to..." the salesman started to say. "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies, especially twins." "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please, come in and have a seat." The photographer came in and sat down. "Then, you don't need to be sold on the idea?" "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this is the right thing to do," Mrs. Smith offered. The photographer decided to see if he could close the deal. "Well, perhaps we should get right down to it." "Just where do we start?" Mrs. Smith asked, blushing. "Leave everything to me," he said, full of confidence now that he figured he had this deal closed. "I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes, the living room floor allows the subject to really spread out." "Bathtub...living room floor?" Mrs. Smith asked, her eyes avoiding his. "No wonder it hasn't worked for Harry and me." "Well, Madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but if we try several locations and I shoot from six or seven angles...I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results. In fact, my business card says, 'I aim to please'." Mrs. Smith smoothed her skirt and said, "Pardon me, but isn't this all a little informal?" "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that." "Don't I know!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed. "Have you had much success at this?" The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "Just look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown London." "Oh my!" Mrs. Smith said, tugging at her hankerchief. "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture. "She was?" "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde Park to get the job done right. I've never worked under such impossible conditions. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" Mrs. Smith asked, her eyes now widened in stunned amazement. "Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother got so excited, she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling at the crowd. I couldn't concentrate. I'm afraid I had to ask a couple of men to restrain her. By that time, darkness was approaching and I began to rush my shots. When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.., equipment?" "That's right, but it's all in a day's work," he replied. "I consider my work a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my patented technique. Now, take this baby, I shot this one in the front window of a big department store." "I just can't believe it," Mrs. Smith said, shaking her head, wondering what she had gotten herself into. "Well, Madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." "TRIPOD?" Mrs. Smith looked worried now. "Oh, yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm shooting. Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!"
During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her a question. "Will I be acquitted?"
Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..." "Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong. He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?" She replies, "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!"
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now." He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so." "Well, then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so." "Fine," she says, "then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break." "I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so! I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!" So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into he house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he see the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd all this get fixed?" She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either sleep with him or bake him a cake." He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" She replied, "Hellooooooo. . . Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so."
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog reply's, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?," the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6. Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful". The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."
A Mexican, an Irishman, and a Pollack escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in. The firemen yell to the Mexican, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The Mexican jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away...the Mexican slams into the sidewalk like a tomato. "C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!" say the firemen to the Irishman. "Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Irishman. "No! It's the Mexicans we can't stand! We're OK with the Irish!" "OK." says the Irishman, and he jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the guy is flattened on the pavement like a pancake. Finally, the Pollack steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!" "No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Pollack. "No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!" "Look," the Pollack says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! How dumb do you think I am ? The only way I'm gonna jump is if you put the blanket down, and back away from it.
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline:
PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read:
PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. Next day the headline read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. Next day, the headline in the paper read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
The Bishop was buried the next day.
A blonde got lost in her car in a snowstorm. She remembered what her Dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait for a snow plow and follow it". Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart lot, now you can follow me over to K-mart."
Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you." So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest!" "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "ALL good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!" "Stay here and stir the pasta honey," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama...!"
Math Problem - Solved Little Johnny was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything, tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything that they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Johnny down & enrolled him in the local Catholic School. After the first day, little Johnny comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books and paper are spread out all over the room & Little Johnny is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner & to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for some time, day after day while the Mother tries to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, Little Johnny brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table & goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it & to her surprise, Little Johnny got an A in Math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room & says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Johnny looks at her and shakes his head no. "Well then," She asks "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it??"
Little Johnny looks at her and say "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
I Like The Way Your Thinking Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None." replied Johnny, "'cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."
Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking.
Another day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about."
"Okay, first: it's rounded, plump and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking.
Now, for the second: It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish. Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking.
Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking.
Make a Sentence Using Fascinate A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I want the word fascinate."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Good, but I want the word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was known for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.
Little Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8.
Sunday School A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"
A farmer had advertised his farm and was showing it to a prospective buyer. As they walked along a fence line the buyer saw bee hives and stopped. He said, "Those hives are pretty close to the road." The farmer explained that the bees just made honey and have never stung anyone. The buyer felt unsure about the sale until he proposed that he be tied to a nearby tree, naked, overnight. If he was stung once he would get the farm for free, but if he wasn't stung then he would pay the farmer double the price. The farmer agreed and tied the now naked man to the tree. The next morning the farmer saw the man leaning over and very pale. "Oh no," the farmer thought, "he got stung and now I have to give him the farm!" As he reached the man he gently shook him and asked where he got stung an if he needed a doctor. "No, no, I'm okay," gasped the naked man, "I'll pay you double for the farm but doesn't that damn calf have a mother?"
A couple had two little boys, ages 13 and 15, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two sons were in some way involved. The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons' behavior. The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman. The husband said, "We might as well. We need to do something before I kick their asses!" The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The 13 year old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?" At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, slamming himself in the closet. His older brother walked up to the closet and said, "What happened?" The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it."
President Bill Clinton was visiting an elementary school today and when he visited one of the classes (4th grade I believe), they were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy." So our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, was playing in the street and a car came along and ran over him, that would be a tragedy." "No," says Clinton, "that would be an accident." A little girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would called a GREAT LOSS." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Clinton searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs.Clinton, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic," exclaims Clinton, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss."
God and the Blonde... A blond woman named Babbette finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto." Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Babbette again prays..."God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and Babbette still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Babbette is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Babbette, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."
One day, Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at his church."Reverend," he said, "I have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?" "I have an idea," said the minister. Take this sharpened pencil with you. I will be able to tell when she is sleeping, and I will signal you. When I signal you, give her a good poke in the leg with the pencil". In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. As he shouted out, "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" He then nodded to Mr. Jones to stick his wife. "Jesus!" cried Mrs. Jones as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the pencil. "Yes, you are right Mrs. Jones," said the preacher. Soon, Mrs.Jones dozed off again. Again,the minister noticed her dozing off. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation while at the same time signaling Mr. Jones. "GOD!", cried out Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pencil. "Right again, Mrs. Jones," said the minister, smiling and continuing his sermon. Before long, Mrs. Jones dozed off again. However, this time, the minister did not notice her. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a motion that Mr. Jones mistook as the signal to jab his wife with the pencil. He was just sticking his wife with the pencil again when the minister asked, "What did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones shrieked, "You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I will break if off and shove it up your ass!"